I am married in Sep 2007 & blessed with a son in Nov 2008. Me n my spouse is of same age at 26yrs old.
During courtship, i fell in love with him due to his willingness to work hard and everything abt him was pleasant to my eyes. I must say, i didnt come across any major bad habits of his.
Soon after marriage, little by little... his bad habits were exposed. His temper was terrible. His inability to control his temper made me afraid to talk or ask him sensitive questions or discuss abt his mistakes. After we got our own house, his mother stayed with us. Previously, we were staying at my parents' house. Due to the freedom that he got from staying at our own home, his attitudes and personality changed a fair bit.
He got addicted to pornographic videos, assessing it from the house computer and his frens, bluetooth to his mobile. Even after i gave birth about 2 weeks, he sought to these porn videos, chatted with girls online, sent sexy photos to them as well.
Whenever i confronted him with the nicest tone, coz i was scared he gets violent... he would be angry at me and starts to get violent still. He would destroyed the household items, hit himself, shouted at the top of his voice.
I have given him many chances and accepted his apologies and promises that he will never watched it again. But it still happened. Its like on average of once every 2 months, we would be having fights over this same porn matters.
This last straw came when i couldnt take it anymore, it was the morning of 5 july 2009.
The day before, 4 July 2009, he was supposed to meet me after i finished work at 3.30pm. At 1plus, he sms me to say he just woke up. He was also supposed to pick our son from my mom's place at 2plus. My mom called me to say "I have yet to pray, where is ur husband, said want to take ur son?". To cut the story short, he made me wait for one hour and made my mom delayed her zuhor prayer becoz there isnt anyone to look after my son.
That nite, as i was clearing the junks from my computer, i found out that my husband was actually sufing the internet to look at porn videos again. This time, surfing with alot alot of porn websites showing under the computer's cookies. The time shown was from 11plus til 2pm. He wasnt sleeping, like what he sms me. He made me wait becoz he was watching those things. He made my mom delay her prayer becoz he was watching those things!
I confronted him that night itself, and he said it wasnt him. After much persuasion from me, he finally admitted to watching. I just went out from the room without saying anythin.
That morning of 5 july 2009 at around 6plus, i confronted him again and asked him nicely:
- why are u watching it again?
- you promised me and swear u are not goin to watch it?
- why do you keep hurting me?
His reply??
- SORRY AHH!!
After that i told him, please don't take things lightly. He started shouting at me, punched me, hit me, threw the pot of sambal egg all over the kitchen, threw the rice cooker with rice still in it, threw the microwave oven...and even threw the hot boiling water from the water thermos at me!! We still engaged in fist fight even after his mom woke up to stop us.
And guess what he said "aku ceraikan kau".
Yes, its valid after checks were made at the Syariah Court.
He agreed to 'rujuk' or get back to me, saying it wasnt his intention in front of my family. I accepted.
And after that incident, i decided to ban him from using the computer without me around in the house. It had happened too many times that he watched what he is not supposed to.
Yesterday, he told me that i treated him like DOG... for not allowing him to use the computer. It goes to show that he prefer the internet / porn better than me and our son! He even said he feel no intimacy / nafsu with me anymore.
Why? Coz i banned him from porn/internet??
I have given him many chances, accepted his lies, accepted his apologies, accepted his punches, accepted his abuse....i even forgave him for the physical abuse he did onto me.
But these things happened again and again. I cant take this anymore. I'm scared of the influence he is going to make to our son, with his rage, violent temper and bad habits.
I am thinking of divorce. Should i or should i not??
Our house was paid monthly using my CPF fully. The house bills were on average, paid by me. Coz he job-hop too much and even to the extend of 4 months he was out of job.
Most of things in this house belongs to my family. They gave it to us.
If we were divorced, I will fight for the sole-custody of my son as i do not want to expose my son to a violent individual which will put my son's life at danger.
I am wondering, will i be able to keep this house?
But the main question is... should i divorce or not??
Salaam,
Firstly, I guess you should expect, is to make a prayer. Such decision is tough, and the best is to seek guidance to Allah. Whether both of you seek to reconcile or divorce, none is worth is a person does not seek Allah s.w.t for a smoothness and assistance from obstacles and challenges in the near future.
Secondly, be firm. There is no such thing, as I guess by now, an one way answer, which is why you feel hesistant. But in reality, one has to make a decision and move forward; simply looking forward is not meaningful enough to resolve issues.
I pray you have a strong faith and heart to overcome this time of your life. :)
thank you fariz... i appreciate it...
like u mentioned... yes, i am starting to pray... not coz problems start to arise then i pray... but knowing that He is our God, its for my own good and to be able to set good example to my son...
Yes... i hope i have faith in my own self firstly... as i was having suicidal thoughts over the last few days...
Also... i just hope everything will be fine with God's guidance...
Salaam,
May I ask, since then did you have any support from anyone within your family/relatvies or have you seek community groups/professional consultant regarding this matter?
no professionals on my side....
except my family and friends who are with me to keep me sane, fariz...
on my husband's side, they obviously blamed me. Was told that i am the caused of everything... If i am the cause, why should i be complaining of getting beaten...?
Which wives in this world want to get beaten...? even if she is at wrong...?
Dear skidded,
I agree with Fariz to seek professional help and to pray and ask guidance from Allah. I agree with you that you need a good role model for your son.
Abusing is unacceptable. Not giving you monthly allowance is also unacceptable. But considering his age, watching porn is the norm. He may be feeling insecured and unimportant after the birth of your child. I am not supporting him, but am trying to figure out his reasons for doing so.
My hubby watched porn and asks me to watch it to. I am in a dilemma to draw a line between religion and husband. I am also yearning for my daughter to have a good role model.
Lets doa for each other:) May allah guide us
Subhana Allah, my heart drops when I read this.
Pray istihaara prayer and trust in Allah
But your body has rights upon you too, and if he is abusing you then you should not go back to him
and your son has rights too, to grow up with a good role model.
pornography is also way off limits. and sf, between religion and husband, always religion first. its hard sometimes, but on the day of judgement its Allah we answer to, not husbands or anyone else.
I make dua for you all my dear sisters.
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