hi all,
i'm getting married in exactly 8 days from now. i just have some very flustering issues that i have no idea how to sort out.
1. my mother-in-law and i had many conflicts after finding out that i'm pregnant. her younger son [aka, my husband's younger brother], got married due to wedlock as well and she couldn't accept the fact her oldest son was going to have to put her through that as well.
2. on top of that, i'm a chinese convert and we have linguistic difficulties in trying to understand each other. also because of different cultures, everything has been very hard, especially communication.
3. my entire wedding was "made-to-order" for my mother-in-law. she wanted everything her way, landing us now in debt. i know it's a very stupid thing to do but she wanted to "have face", cover up that it's a shotgun wedding by throwing a BIG BASH, which in turn, caused my husband to have to get a bank loan of $11k and my parents had to fork out $15k for EVERYTHING my mother-in-law demanded.
4. to add to all this, his family is still constantly reliant on him for money!!! my husband is only a civil servant, he draws less than $2k a month after deducting cpf. i'm currently not working as i am with child and have only recently graduated from poly. prior to these wedding plans, he gave his parents money every month [which i am actually very pleased with because it shows he is responsible], but they never seem to get enough. his family is ALWAYS asking for more! sometimes they borrow money from him for their holidays, sometimes he has to pay for his younger brother's 2 children's welfare [his younger bro wasn't working at that time and had to support 1 wife 2 young kids with NO income! but thankfully, now has a job]. to make matters worse, now after the wedding, he has to support his family+me+baby, pay for his bike's monthly installments, repay the loan we took for our wedding! i fully understand and even though i am not very well-off, i live a quite comfortable life supported by my family. i know that marriage life is going to be hard especially if i have to give up my comfort just to survive with my husband. but his family just doesn't understand.
he's not single anymore, he has a wife now. and a baby on the way. they can't keep taking money from him. and the most frustrating part is... his father is working, his youngest [out of 4 children] brother is working, his sister [3rd in family] is working, they support themselves and do not contribute to the family AT ALL and STILL ASK HIM TO PAY FOR THEIR CLOTHES JUST TO ATTEND MY WEDDING! i'm not even PAYING for MY sister's clothes! i'm only planning to give my sister $30 to thank her for being my bridesmaid. now all of a sudden, my husband has to give $50 each to his 2 brothers, sister and sister-in-law plus reimburse his sister-in-law for buying his baby niece's new dress! IT'S MY WEDDING. nobody said THEY had to have new clothes! in fact they have a lot of clothes that they've only worn ONCE IN THEIR LIFETIMES so why do they need new clothes just to attend our wedding??!!!!
i hate that me and my husband are quarrelling over money issues even before we start living together. but the causes for the problems are not internal. and it makes me even more upset. when i talk to him about it he gets defensive, he thinks i'm refusing to let him help his family on purpose. i am not. i'm thinking about OUR future. if he keeps supporting them, who is going to support us?
currently, i'm still living off my parents [i love my mum, she's so understanding], my side of marriage expenses are paid for by my mum, my husband cannot even afford to pay for my monthly gynae check-ups for my baby. and yet his family just can't understand they have to let him save.
dear readers, i am so sorry for the long question. i just really want to know if all these are just me picking too much on details or am i justified in being upset. if anyone can, i would also like to know, in Islam, is the man's financial responsibility first to his parents and siblings or to his wife and children? i know that a man has to respects his parents above his wife but needs to shoulder financial responsibility to his wife in all aspects. but i need to know do me and my baby have our rights to my husband's financial support above my in-laws and his siblings? afterall, we're the ones who REALLY need his monetary support than them. they are just not satisfied with what they have.
Thank you for sharing us with the problems. I hope others reading your posts would try to help and motivate you to face your problems.
1)I understand. In this nature, I feel your husband has to make amends for it as well. I'm sure wed-lock is an issue over here esp in Malay, and it's making your 'world breaking apart' with the baby, marriages, in-laws. but believe me , comparing that way is worsening the situations for both you and your mother in-law
2)My person I like alot is chinese too, though we have't talk about marriage but sooner or later we will. I'm growing older, so the idea is faster coming than I thought. I guess I will soon face the problem of marriage as you did, as you did now. Most important;y support, which I have sympathy that you are facing and understand. But the bigger problem is marriage, so always be objective and not stray too far with the emotional issues.
3)First thing first, malays have always a 'grand' idea of wedding. Malays took 'wedding' very seriously, like many other races. Called it traditonal instinct or genetic (haha); it has to do with the family reputation and dignity. A simple wedding will bring the family face down, less the family is simple and of humble origin.
Yet, notice I used the word traditional .You see, it had nooothing to do with religion and Islamic beliefs. In fact, wedding is supposed to exist to promoted the joyness and happiness of two families coming together, joyness, not grandness or reputation.
You and your husband, could at best, try to arrange a simpler wedding reception maybe at home. I'm sure you understand the problems of marriage; after marriage issues. Both you and your husband should think of the child, and starting a new family first. Whatever unexpected events had happened during your relationship, you must try to strive to have a better life, esp your children's future. Have faith and hope to bring your children to be better and responsible people. It's what most parents, including my dad and hopefully (God-willing) me, would want for. It's what both you and your husband should think of, not just some 'reputation'.
4) I think your husband, if he is understanding, should sacrifice his additional needs if he needs to survive in the marriage world. If the bike is unnecessary, sell it. Overseas holidays should not make it neccessary, but for the future child and check up costs. I think loans are seriously unnecessary though unavoidable, and I do not understand why your husband is not putting, to a man's word, be a standing,responsible, thinking MAN during such times. HE should balance his attention to you and the child at such times. I feel you both discuss on this topic more seriously, before the problems turn to serious crisis.
5) In Islam, yes the men are the maintaners of women (4
:34-35). No doubt, besides the poor arguments about 'beating the wives' 'thingy' by academic western scholars. As mentioned in Quran quoted,It takes two hands to clap my dear lady, hence the just doesnt to one side of men/women to do away with daily stuff, that's a common sense thing. Though, some Muslims would use the traditional hadith(sayings) alluded to signficance mother, but Quran never alluded the preference to any part, rather the rights and responsibility to/of wives, mother, inheritance, social etc...So I guess is that he needs to support both you and your mother in the end is that correct?
6) For now, I feel your parents are very responsible and supportive despiter of the problems, praise God. Be patient, and try to focus on the child and your planning to survive in the near future. Adequate cost of living is importantly neccesary for a healthy family upbringing. To survive, I feel with all cause you may need to also owirk to sustain the life of your family since your husband is also feeding his own family. You should ask your husband to discuss with his parents to settle the issue, seriously if both of you could work out.
7) No the question is long, but the fact you had voiced out your concern is very much respected. Many people are afraid to voice out and in return became depressed and lost their will to surivive or to solve the issue properly till too late. You may even apporach a coucelling group on parenthood, or consult your parents for support. Though wrong is wrong in islam and major religions, as a child born out of marriage is forbidden, let alone adultery, what's is past is past. Most importantly, is the willing the accept wrong, ask for forgiveness and change for the better my dear reader. I feel it's never too later to change, especially for the child. I hope my reply if of some benefit, if not opinion of adivse, Salaam (peace) be with you.
PS: Do not forget to share any problem if you have any. I know there are other organizations willing to attend to marriage councelling and advise.So stay positive !
salaam, fariz!
problem is now, with all things said and done, my wedding is in 6 days and i cannot change the fact that it's damned MAJOR. it's almost as though the whole of singapore and the malayan straits is coming. only missing out on fireworks and a marching band.
we did go for counselling and my mother-in-law has been a lot better lately. strangely but thankfully. it's just that... sometimes things just spiral out of hand.
my husband is thinking of down-grading his bike. he needs it for transportation for work.
i just feel frustrated that i'm always the one who appears so evil and so mean. to take a woman's son away from her. you know. i really wouldn't want anyone to take my baby away from me. but you've got to let go someday right? we've all got to learn to let go someday.
actually my mother-in-law and i were on wonderfully perfect terms. all till the day it collapsed when she found out i was pregnant. she told me personally on the phone that she wanted me to get an abortion. that really dashed all my respect for her. i was confused and stressed out, really feeling so damned lost. i know it's a sin but it happened already. and there she was, the woman so bent on me developing "religiously" telling me to abort. from then on i just refused to talk to her. so perhaps, i'm the villain in the end. =(
about money issues, he got it sorted out with his family now. after counselling his mum understands out situation better coz my counsellor like wrote out everything in black and white to let her see the big picture. so she's trying to take a step back and help us, alhamdulillah. it's just very sad to see that now since she is letting us go, his siblings are the ones holding him back. it's like they take turns. =(
when i try to talk to him about it he gets very defensive.
i shall just have to shut up and see how things go.
sigh.
Hi Kiki,
Thank you for sharing with Nasibriyanilounge.com. Regarding yourself, you should be thankful to your parents and your loved ones. Some women were more unfortunate to undergo abortion, being otherwise persuaded, to escape the feeling the negative perception of society and people around them. They do not realize that the guilt and burden will affect them emotionally later. The complications differ, so avoid discussing ‘old issues’ with your husband for now. Concentrate and look forward to the marriage and planning. Sensibility and focus is of desired relationship between both of you for now, so do not try to show depression and frail between you two. I feel both of you should go through the process with patience and strong planning, with the foundation of support and understanding. It is not easy, with both strength and weaknesses colliding and creating tension and differences between both of you. Remember you both are to be parents as partners, and no as couples. Partners have to synchronize/reach to a single style and form towards achieving goals, unlike couples where it’s being unique (special) and recognizing differences and compromises. Culture, family and tradition are the problems you will face heavily in the future, and so as mine probably in the future when the time comes.
As for religiously, abortion I personally wrong is wrong.
I know people will disagree with me, but killing in any way does not change other than it’s purpose and intention. . It’s the hearts and intention of just deeds that we will be questioned for, not just actions. Love can overcome loneliness and pain, but could also destroy lives and hearts of people. So do reflect on life and what you do. You are not mean, because you still think of doing something good and strive for it, accepting wrong and trying to do what is right. No child will think badly for her mother even if she commit a big crime, for his/her mother gave her the love, feed and attention he needs the least. And no child will think good of her mother even if she’s rich as a queen, if she can’t sit with her child for that single moment when he/she needs her.
Sometimes in this society I failed to joy, rather so being concerned towards the hypocrisy of life; smoking is bad but cigarettes are selling shops in boxes, AIDS and STDs are incurable but open sex are being promoted everywhere through media and entertainment, money is important but health is a concern for everyone. I find myself open to a society that has no end to contradict/conflict itself, so I hope that you will bring your child up with attention and concern regarding the aspects of life and society in the future. Lawful and wrong seems to be compounded with the idea of love and hate, fear and ego. Do what you want to Do (DWUW) is a hip word among the young in media television now; is that really true for this society? What CAN be done? Doing what? It’s a media word to ‘sell certain ideas’, not teaching the morals of human It’s a word I felt wrong...feeling like a word lost.
You need the strength and morals. Both of you should support by showing your smile and concern with each other. Put your problems away till both of you are ready to talk about it. Now it’s not a suitable time to discuss on problems, rather on the wedding.
Are you sure you wish to stop receiving email alerts for this Question?
Yes No close loading...