Are in-laws to be feared?
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10/03/2007 8:36:15 PMI think to some extend it is true that when you marry someone you are marrying his family as well. By this i mean his family will always be a part of your life, like when you have function, when they visit you at your home and also most of his lifestyle and understanding would significantly come from his family.
Both partner should set up boundaries that will protect unwanted interference. ( i.e relatives, in-laws, friends) If your loved ones are trying to run your household, you have to step up and be the leader. Let them know that it's not OK to disrespect your spouse and invade your privacy. ( and your spouse should also do the same)
I think both partner should be on the same page on how to deal with in-laws. A lot of problems in a marriage comes form in-laws
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25/04/2007 3:12:33 PM
I think just because you have a bad experiece seeing your mom's in-laws giving her a hard time doesn't mean ALL in-laws are evil.
It is a hard truth especially in the Malay - Muslim family that f "once you marry a guy, you marry his family".... There sre abundant of Laws whose their daughter in- law love them more then their own family.
Bottom line is you must learn the art of getting closed to yr in- laws as much as you like them to be closed to you. Like the saying goes " first impression last" is very true in every aspect of Mother- daughter in law relationship. Be humble before them and avoid being arrogant. Believe me this can save you hell of yr marriage life.
R Karim
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26/04/2007 3:28:13 PMLoL... thanks for your reply Manjing.
firstly, while my mother's in-laws aren't exactly high on my Xmas card list. (oops. Eid?), the issues i saw , reflects a situation many of my sg friends, and other nationalities go through.
and yes, if this is merely a reflection of bad experience, perhaps statistics on the failure of marriages inherently point to ummm.. wouldn't you say a problem that should be addressed?
or should we leave that to dr. phil
a common understanding of what it means to have an extended family isnt' exactly grasped by people who think that 'extended family' means 'extended interference'.
oh, and first impressions do last.
so do lasting impressions of annoyance.
and arrogance isn't a factor that should be tolerated on both sides. and i don't beileve the call to merely respect both sides of a situation is a reflection of arrogance.
it's actually a classic argument for 'taking it', as long as it will 'not piss off' an in-law.
and what would you define as humblesnnes manjing?
is that considered in the realm of 'tradition' or 'religion'?
you know what i've witnessed, while it sure did peeve me off, there was a time where i realised that family structure in many so-called 'ethnic' communities are constructed on the basis of adhering to idea that will 'save you years of anguish', when the very idea itself is rigid and unfair to many people.
it's somehow based on the premise that social harmony comes about at the cost of keeping issues behind closed doors.
it isn't working.
unless of course..... that was my perception of what 'marrying the family' entails...
my bad.
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18/07/2007 10:12:54 PMi supposed not only muslim, even non muslim, especially chinese, for girls, once they married, they r not consider part of the family, but instead treated as part of the husband's family. so, once u marry the guy, u marry into his family, which in certain aspect is quite true, whether u like it or not.
don take things into ur own stride, if u feel that ur in law is giving u hell, n if necessary, ask ur husband do the talking, don get into direct conflicts with ur in law, mothers always listen to their own children. to the in law, u r just another outsider, even though u bore the family kids, n kids take after their father's name.
so the best is, stay out of his family problem or conflicts, just as u wouldnt want ur husband to be involved into ur family right?
n always try to live in harmony, even with ur family, im sure u will also face conflicts agree? don bring both side problem into ur problem. take care of ur own family that u had set up with ur husband.
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look... perhaps a gigantic factor that freaks me out about the whole marriage factor are in-laws.
i personally had to deal with my mum's in-laws giving her hell for many years.
i see this effect on her, and i don't want to end up in a similar situation.
her marriage to my father was great alhamdulilah. but the in-laws were .. to be frank - evil.
what advice would you give in having to deal with in-laws?
i really don't buy the concept of "once you marry a guy, you marry his family"....
it's a very misleading proverb because it can prevent 2 people from properly developing their marriage,. because of the constant interference of in-laws.
and no, i personally couldn't handle an interfering mother-in-law that is so intent on seeing her son being happy by making his wife miserable.
i see it so often and its destructive. yet people aim for a harmonious relationship with your extended family. yet the picture painted is so different.
if i had it my way i'd probably ban all contact with my kids to relatives, or other 'external people' because of this unwanted interference...
yet i dont want to deprive my kids of the opportunity to get to know of their extended families...
it's a conflicting situation. mnd you it wouldnt be that way if people were REASONABLE to begin with....
well..anyhow.. like to get your views on it.
125 pts
rookie
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