Hi,
okay i'm really confused about this myself. so. i now know the Mahr is compulsory but it kind of sounds like a 'for show' thing.
the main problem i have is with the hantaran. my husband to be insists on giving me 8K but as a chinese, we don't normally put a price tag on brides. instead, we receive dowry in terms of household appliances, jewellery, stuff that the couple would basically need to use later on in their married life whilst living together [normally for a new home].
i am certainly against the idea of the 8K because it is causing me to compromise on my wedding budget. he says it's for me to spend on buying stuff for the home. BUT BUT BUT. i've been reading the other boards and it seems that THAT 8K hantaran can be used to get things for the wedding? am i right to conclude that?
more insights please, anyone? thanks!
Hi KiKi,
Amazingly, I conceded to agree with you. Religion and tradition, culture and obligation. These two are often confused to anyone, everyone (including me in the past). Mahr is the dowry which the bride has the right to ask and negotiate in Islam :) (Quran 4:4 and 4:19) . Hantaran is NOT, since it's related to malay custom ( and it's hard for them to let go of it).
In fact, the chinese custom of receiving household applicance on dowry is reasonable and practical, and certainly 8k is a bit too much, (but amazingly normal or little to malays :) ), you could spend it on the house, wedding reception or honeymoon right?. Dowry depends on the capability and circumstances of the person (stated in Quran 2:236). Do talk to you husband-to-be about this, esp since cost and "marriage-for-the-lifetime" issues is concerned.
Anyway, how is your conversion to Islam going? Usually I'm concerned on converts with uncomfortable issues on Islamic beliefs and practise, which I find more challenging to discuss with.
May peace be upon you.
wow..8k is a lot leh. I was told by one of the aunties i met during my solemenisation. Whatever ur hubby gave u, its urs but not his. He cannot used the hantaran or mahr from the bride in future. But actually its a culture thing not so much in islam cos i dont find any source in regard to that.
If your hubby insists, just take it loh. :p
Peace me upon you too.
yeap, i know he cannot touch the keerrrr-chings. but i willingly would use it for the wedding. =) i'd rather sacrifice my personal stash than to compromise on my big day. =)
Fariz;
conversion is going swell. =) in fact my conversionappt is on tuesday. gosh i'm sooooo stressed out.
oh yeah. i talked to him about the 8k. i kept telling hi i don't mind if it's less, or if we totally skip it and do it the chinese way, which met with great opposition. he's like 'no! later the makcik and the pakciks start talking... blah blah blah'. i do understand where he is coming from. but it saddens me that everything we do on OUR day might face certain, if not, absolute ruthless scrutiny.
but i guess it's the same in every community. even if it's a chinese wedding and i only have 10 tables everyone's tongues will wag. oh well.
btw, it's nice to meet someone well versed in the religion. =) most people i meet nowadays can't really help much.
i do thank the both of you, sincerely. =)
hi, people.
Finally I found a good website where I can find answers to most of my questions! :)
my situation is a bit similar.
I'm non-malay convert, and my bf is malay muslim.
So, in this case does he still need to give "Hantaran"? I don't want him to do it, coz it's very stressful in his current financial situation. and plus, in my culture we never do this thing, so I think it's fare if we don't do it.
However, the question is that - is that ok to have a wedding without Hantaran? or there should be at least some, "just to show off"? :)
thanks!
Salaam nuar,
Well, "hantaran" is considered cultural of course. It is not a obligatory part in the validity of marriage. Only the "mahr"(dowry) was considered important as it is stated written in the Quran.
But if your bf is a malay, I think cultural issues may be a questionable doubt, depending on their level of conservativeness. Well, since your culture does not promote this, well then the choice is up for you. Remember that the type of value dowry is up to the bride, not the groom or the family (including yours).
Hmm, by the way, do you convert to Islam of your choice or by knowing your bf, just for thought? Sorry for being nosy :)...
Salaam,
Fariz
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