Am I in the wrong?

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Fariz
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brainy
0
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23/02/2008 5:54:10 PM

I feel, in my opinion, that this matter may require external consultation and assistance should the problems get worsen. I am relieved to see that you are putting lots of effort to fulfill your obligations as a wife and Muslim, so praise be to God (Alhamdulillah).

Its true your actions are very much sincere and willing, but it's important that the term privacy remains a 'touchy' subject in marriage life. Trust is a sensitive word to define during marriage so I personally feel that both sides need to come into equal terms and matter both altogether. Man and woman, when compared, are not equal emotionally and physically, but equal in respect and status (Quran 4:34 and 129,33:35), so be reminded and cautioned when facing unpleasant issues during marriage.

Consulting through in-laws or external people/groups may be embarrassing to help resolve marriage issues for tough issues, but in long term such commitment and attitude may be necessary to avoid the worst scenario. But of course, it would be much appreciated it both the husband and wife could resolve the issue peacefully :)

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almajnun
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rookie
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14/03/2008 12:35:33 PM

Hi there,

First of all, it is only natural for us to suspect if something has happened before, because that is the nature of the human mind, hence the saying, once bitten twice shy. However, I believe that sometimes, our suspicions get the better of us. And that is of course the result of our internal self playing over those suspicions over and over again.

From an Islamic viewpoint, it is the whisperings of the syaithan that make us feel this sense of unease, and increase those suspicions. One way you can try to stop yourself from running these thoughts over and over again, is to read the ta'awudz (I seek refuge with Allah from the accursed syaithan), and do the wudu'. And then sit down and try to feel yourself at peace.

The next step is to always remember to view people in good light, or to give the benefit of the doubt. Some things we do not know, so we leave it to Allah. But at all times, we should try to not think badly of other people, because such an attitude will undoubtedly cause us to feel and act in a way that may offend others and inadvertently hurt ourselves.

The issue of trust between a husband and wife is indeed something very very personal, and something that runs deeply - given that the institution of marriage is based on that principle. Hence, it is very easy to step over the line, whatever that line may be. To your husband it may be checking his phone. Its a matter of perceptions that both parties need to discuss or seek appropriate counsel, so that you can achieve a middle line, and a resolution.

I agree that perhaps the best way is if the two of you can settle it between yourselves, that is to sit down and have a mature discussion about your worries and anxieties. The two of you also need to talk about what is considered the limit, and what is stepping over the line, in the aspect of trusting each other.

However, if you do find it hard to do it, do consult with a marriage counsellor for help, readily available at the Family Service Centres. I would advise against involving parents or in-laws as the context is a bit more sensitive. But an external professional should be able to take a more objective stand, and both sides would be able to more readily accept any advice that comes from a third party that does not take any sides.

I hope this helps.

Wassalam.

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manja
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18/03/2008 5:08:02 AM

I really understand ur problem. its the same like wat my friend is going thru. Its natural for any wife not to trust the husband since he has broken his promise a few times. I personally feel tat men eyes wanders around when they r out.. expecially when they see women. In Islam an unrelated man n woman should not meet together alone or have friendship with one another outside the married realationship. if man n woman must interact for some reason they should lower their eyes n refrain from flirting or unnessary conversation. a man who is attracted to a woman who is not his wife is commanded to avoid tat woman n go home to his wife., while unmarried man are urged to fast as means of suppressing sexual desire. A muslim man is absolutely responsible for controlling himself wen faced with temptation of women whether a woman is veiled or wearing only a bikini. but as for your case.. i guess u should be patient.. talk to ur husband as wat he really wants.. his motive.. hope u both could have a calm talk, about this issue. maybe u should get advise from someone closer to u, someone whom u can really trust so as not to make this issue big and create unhappiness. this is the time u should be patient.. make yourself closer to ALLAH. Leave everyting to ALLAH. Do'a for patience and for your safety. hope everything will be fine soon. I do'a for u . Insya ALLAH May u hav your happy married life bak.! Ameen!

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24 popularity votes

malt
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18/03/2008 6:35:37 AM

Both of you, I strongly recommend doing the Landmark Forum course in Singapore. It will make a big difference in overcoming barriers in one's life and the impact they have one one living peacefully and happily.

My wife and I were discussing divorce last year, but after doing this course we are now the happiest we have ever been, resolved our past differences and are now joyfully expecting our first child, Alhumdulillah!

See this answer for details:
http://www.nasibriyanilounge.c...

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manja
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19/03/2008 11:06:36 AM

Landmark Forum might be effective.. But can one afford to take up the course since the course fee is quite big.

My friend too like I said having the same marital problem .But she cant afford to pay so much for this course. She's a home maker while the husband is the only sole bread winner.

any other recommendations

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malt
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rookie
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27/03/2008 2:06:37 AM

Manja,

I too felt the course fee was expensive, but after the course, I felt it was worth any amount of money to save my marriage and life.

There are many courses which are only a day long which I've done professionally that cost twice as much.

Its also surprising when you take actions how Allah SWT makes resources available to you.

Other options are of course counselling, Apkim resources do some free counselling that could be useful too.

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vlad
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28/03/2008 5:52:24 AM

I am sorry to hear your predicament. I have seen friends who are in their fifth year of marriage and they are facing the same problem like you.

I,personally, think that in a marriage there is a need to think of ways make it interesting.I believed that communication is VERY important. I've been married for 10+ years and I still talked to my spouse about anything under the sun. we will constantly think of ways to improve our relation like going for spas and dinner together. Sometimes at the expense of my in-law who is looking after my daughter. My point is, we need to know each other's needs.

Maybe you hubby needs excitement in a marriage. Try asking him what does he think of the marriage? You'll be surprise at what he will say. Maybe during courtship, he did not show those needs and aspirations. But once he's married, he might want to explore it further because both of you are already 'HALAL'.

Hope this helps.

Good luck!